urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday who knows how to make love stay? who knows how to make love stay? 2004-03-27T07:10:23Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:116662 2004-03-27T07:10:23Z 2004-03-27T07:10:23Z I know I never fully explained to anyone what I was doing, and some of you have voiced a concern as to my whereabouts. It was never my intention to worry anyone. So here's me coming clean.<br /><br />This journal is finished. Ive had it for three years now, and I think it's time I move on from this one. If youd like to be apart of a new one, just leave a comment and arrangements will be made.<br /><br />For the past three months I have experienced life in a different array of colors than usual. My usual way of dealing with loss or heartache has somewhat been overthrown by this emotion, this man, who forced me to challenge everything I thought was real. I know that what I felt was real, but in the past few days he has caused me to question the gifts of kindness and love he once gave to me.<br /><br />So, here we go for the first time. <br /><br />Yes, I am moving back to Turlock. <br />Yes, I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone, but the thought of him leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I never wanted it to end like this. I gave nothing but love and kindness; all I did was care. I think I've realized now that it's where I've been wrong all along. So, I'm finished giving. I deserve to be with someone who could not imagine a day without me. He already proved that to be false, so I guess the search continues.<br /><br />It's my turn to be loved. It's my turn to be happy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:116474 2004-02-10T06:55:24Z 2004-02-10T06:55:24Z <b>I Know I Have Been Happiest</b><br /><br />I know I have been happiest at your side;<br />But what is done, is done, and all's to be.<br />And small the good, to linger dolefully-<br />Gayly it lived, and gallantly it died.<br />I will not make you songs of hearts denied,<br />And you, being man, would have no tears of me,<br />And should I offer you fidelity,<br />You'd be, I think, a little terrified.<br /><br />Yet this the need of woman, this her curse:<br />To range her little gifts, and give, and give,<br />Because the throb of giving's sweet to bear.<br />To you, who never begged me vows or verse,<br />My gift shall be my absence, while I live;<br />But after that, my dear, I cannot swear.<br /><br />-dorothy parker. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:110182 2004-01-14T18:42:23Z 2004-01-14T18:42:23Z before you left me today<br />my words just couldnt come to say<br />how much of you i really do need<br />more than i could have ever made it seem<br /><br />i understand it's already too late <br />to stop the tears from your face<br />i can't help but look away<br />it's hard to see you this way<br /><br />the blame i know is all my own<br />never again should you feel alone<br />no longer will i try to be<br />the love to light your dreams<br /><br />but give me just one more night<br />i won't try to change your mind<br />i just need something to remember you<br />and how you always held me new<br /><br />time will change the memories<br />confront the pain and it will leave<br />this last night i'll never forget<br />the loss of you my only regret. <br /><br />---<br /><br />...it always feels like there's never enough time to convey the right emotions or show someone how you feel. you can try all you want to capture every single moment and tell them how you feel, but in the end there are too many words left unsaid; scars left shown. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:109480 2004-01-11T09:43:18Z 2004-01-11T09:43:18Z <i>"Who would have known<br />That a boy like him<br />Would have entered me lightly<br />Restoring my blisses<br /><br /><br />He slides inside<br />Half awake, half asleep<br />We faint back<br />Into sleephood<br /><b>When I wake up<br />The second time<br />In his arms</b><br /><b>Gorgeousness</b><br /><b>He's still inside me</b>"</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:107564 2003-12-30T05:12:43Z 2003-12-30T05:12:43Z i will be gone for seven days.<br /><br />i miss the freckle on your right cheek.<br />i miss the way you look when you smile and laugh<br />i miss the way you feel next to me in the middle of the night<br />it will be a very cold trip to turlock.<br />one day i'd like to show you that city, the place i've fallen back in love with.<br /><br />i'm guessing the cow pastures are less than they were in august and the housing developments are up on every corner. it'll be great to drive through the country and run through the trees, but i'll be cold and empty knowing you're not there running beside me. <br /><br /><i>que sera, sera....</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:106959 2003-12-25T10:09:21Z 2003-12-25T10:09:21Z the lemonheads i know none of you <i>really</i> know what's going on in my journal..so to appease the masses (ha) i did take some christmas eve pictures. <br /><br />these were taken just before you called me. <br /><br />it's odd how our conversations start off really intense and sometimes i'm crying even, but inevitably they always end wonderfully and I leave with this overwhelming feeling of wanting to fall sleep in your arms..no matter how overwhelming our words get.<br /><br />i wore my birthday sweater today. to remind me of that day. <br /><br /><img src="http://www.digitalstar.com/shesavestheday/images/258539.JPG"><br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br />come on get happy... : )<br /><img src="http://www.digitalstar.com/shesavestheday/images/258540.JPG"><br /><br /><img src="http://www.digitalstar.com/shesavestheday/images/258536.JPG"><br /><img src="http://www.digitalstar.com/shesavestheday/images/258537.JPG"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:106524 2003-12-24T10:34:00Z 2003-12-24T10:34:00Z why can't something just be right in my life for once?<br /><br />how can it be that i've found the most wonderful thing in my life...but there's a catch...<br /><br /><b>LOST:<br />a golden ball. sentimental value. for information regarding it's whereabouts, call the person you care most about in your life. REWARD: true love.</b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:106417 2003-12-22T23:02:43Z 2003-12-22T23:02:43Z If I could shake this shade of blue<br />it would be yellow<br />or perhaps even green<br />If I could take this shade thats true<br />then maybe you wouldnt be blue<br />and the smile painted across this canvas<br />would once again be you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:106034 2003-12-19T02:44:55Z 2003-12-19T02:44:55Z i'm sorry about last night. she always has a way of interrupting and ruining things. I just never want to leave when I'm with you.<br /><br />i'm so glad i got to see return of the king with you. I know how much that movie means to you, and for you to choose to want to see it with me for the first time made me happy. the movie was amazing, you're amazing..what else is there to say? well, there's plenty to say, but i dont think i have the strength (or the capacity to fill it in here).<br /><br />in other news, i may be putting in my two weeks notice at the gap tonight. we'll see. it all depends on whether or not they give me the time off that i want so i can go up to turlock after christmas. well, i plan on putting in my two weeks soon anyway. if they dont give me the time off, i'll put it in now; if they do give me the time off, i'm putting it in after i get back from turlock (once i can find a new job). <br /><br />oh, things they are a-changing. i feel it in the air. i feel it in my bones. i feel it when i'm with you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:105850 2003-12-14T22:40:48Z 2003-12-14T22:40:48Z lover, you shouldve come over on repeat in my head. and exactly one month later, i say again...<br /><br /><br />this is when the obligtary next day post should happen...but it won't.<br /><br /><i>i am waiting for something to go wrong<br />i am waiting for familiar resolve<br />i am waiting for another repeat<br />another diet fed by crippling defeat<br />and i am waiting for that sense of relief<br />i am waiting for you to flee the scene<br />as if you held in your hand the smoking gun<br />and on the floor lay the one you said you loved</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:104522 2003-12-09T21:37:52Z 2003-12-09T21:37:52Z if you saw me crying yesterday in the middle of the mall with a book in my hands, <br /><a name="cutid1"></a> <i>"when the mystery of the connection goes, love goes. It's that simple. This suggests that it isnt love that is so important to us but the mystery itself. The love connection may be merely a device to put us in contact with the mystery, and we long for love to last so that the ecstacy of being near the mystery will last. It is contrary to the nature of mystery to stand still. Yet it's always there, somewhere, a world on the other side of the mirror (or the camel pack), a promise in the next pair of eyes that smileat us. We glimpse it when <u>we</u> stand still. The romance of new love, the romance of solitude, the romance of objecthood, the romance of ancient stars are means of making contact with the mystery. When it comes to perpetuating it, however, I got no advice. But I can and will remind you of two of the most important facts I know:<br /><br />(1) <u>Everything</u> is part of it<br />(2) It's never too late to have a happy childhood</i> <br />is why.<br /><br />CAUTION: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT FINISHED THE BOOK YET...even if you havent finished it youll probably read it anyway.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:104125 2003-12-04T09:02:49Z 2003-12-04T09:02:49Z "who knows how to make love stay?" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:103909 2003-12-03T09:44:54Z 2003-12-03T09:47:18Z there are no songs i could listen to with you that would come even close to conveying this feeling.. although, there are a few jeff buckley ones that come awfully close...<br /><br />what to say, where to begin. I had the best birthday in my (yes, i know, ONLY) 19 years of existance...<br /><br />It's hard for me to put into phrases everything we did today..it's sort of a blur. so i'll add some of the highlights (in no particular order):<br /><br />+the getty<br />+your card<br />+traffic with you<br />+dinner with my parents<br />+that red martha stewart blanket<br />+making wishes with coins<br />+making the same wish as i blew my candle out<br />+that bench<br />+you.<br /><br />thank you for the most wonderful day a girl could ever ask for. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:103249 2003-11-30T17:27:00Z 2003-11-30T17:27:00Z being REALLY fucking sick is not fun, but what's even worse is that i caught it from someone at work. that just makes work all the more pleasant, doesnt it? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:102660 2003-11-25T19:34:31Z 2003-11-25T19:34:31Z The great Josh and Alisa book club has commenced. Last night we went and bought a book niether of us had read, but sounded interesting just the same. <br /><br />So, book number one (in a series of many i hope) is Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins. I'm excited. I've always wanted to read his books. I can remember sitting in a barnes and noble with jessica while she explained how amazing they were. <br /><br /><i>..and now i'm starting...</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:102617 2003-11-24T01:59:26Z 2003-11-24T01:59:26Z I know I havent been posting anything but short, vague blurbs..so here. Here's my trip to seattle..and a little more.<br /><br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />I woke up very early thursday morning after spending another wonderful evening in your arms (that will never grow old).<br /><br />My dad and i ran to the terminal so we wouldnt miss our flight and it was exciting. I wished you were there yanking my hand, tugging me along with you to the terminal. <br /><br />I sat down and buckled the seat belt and as the plane taxied down the runway i let my fingers open the envelope again. "we are the second and third from the left." i smiled as i read the words your pen smeared across the card and i wasnt scared anymore. I slept until the "fasten your seatbelt" sign dinged. <br /><br />I let the cold washington air flush my face of any color as we waited for the shuttle to take us to our car. My breath was shallow as i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and i thought to myself, "fuck me, it is really cold". I opened the door the hotel room and dove into bed. I slept for a good 3 hours and when i woke up i felt like walking. I walked down the streets (the very quiet streets) of downtown seattle. It surprised me that everything closed at 5:30 or 6:00 in the evening. but i was perfectly content with walking by myself and exploring. A few strange men talked to me and asked me my name, i think they wanted a dollar..or maybe they wanted more. <i>don't worry..none of them were rockstars...</i>. I ventured back to the room and changed my clothes. I called you and we had another 2 hour conversation, or maybe it was more. I dont remember. Like i said before, it was a great movie visually but the acting was a little sub-par.<br /><br />Friday I woke up and took a taxi the university district and walked and walked and walked and bought a watch and two cd's, your sonic youth poster and my jeff buckley poster. I wasnt quite sure how I was going to get back to the hotel..so I walked a little more until i found a bus stop that said "Number 25-Downtown Seattle" and i figured that would take me somewhere at least within walking distance of my hotel. So i got on and the wonderful bus driver told me he would let me know when i should get off and how far i would have to walk. The streets of seattle definitely need some renovation. The bus system is confusing at best, but everyone i encountered was friendly and very helpful.<br /><br />My dad and i walked to the space needle and i mustered up the courage to go up and eat dinner at the top with him. I didnt look while we were in the elevator though. So we ate, he drank (sam can vouch for this) and we talked about you and me and life in general. Once back to the hotel my dad and I shared a few drinks and he fell asleep as you and i talked until the next morning. <br /><br />After a two and a half hour delay for our plane on saturday morning, we finally touched back down in orange county. the child behind us only screamed for half of the trip. Before I knew it was in your arms again. <br /><br /><i>I just feel really conflicted.</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:101660 2003-11-14T21:20:21Z 2003-11-14T21:20:21Z this is when the obligatory "next day" post happens. but it wont. <br /><br /><i>i know you'll read this, and i just want to let you know that i think you're amazing. i dont care how, or in what form, but i think i need you in my life. </i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shesavestheday:59608 2002-09-09T05:38:20Z 2002-09-09T05:38:20Z just because we have sex doesnt mean you think i'm beautiful.