|
|
who knows how to make love stay?
|
|
|
|
[26 Mar 2004|11:07pm] |
I know I never fully explained to anyone what I was doing, and some of you have voiced a concern as to my whereabouts. It was never my intention to worry anyone. So here's me coming clean.
This journal is finished. Ive had it for three years now, and I think it's time I move on from this one. If youd like to be apart of a new one, just leave a comment and arrangements will be made.
For the past three months I have experienced life in a different array of colors than usual. My usual way of dealing with loss or heartache has somewhat been overthrown by this emotion, this man, who forced me to challenge everything I thought was real. I know that what I felt was real, but in the past few days he has caused me to question the gifts of kindness and love he once gave to me.
So, here we go for the first time.
Yes, I am moving back to Turlock.
Yes, I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone, but the thought of him leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I never wanted it to end like this. I gave nothing but love and kindness; all I did was care. I think I've realized now that it's where I've been wrong all along. So, I'm finished giving. I deserve to be with someone who could not imagine a day without me. He already proved that to be false, so I guess the search continues.
It's my turn to be loved. It's my turn to be happy.
|
|
|
[09 Feb 2004|10:53pm] |
I Know I Have Been Happiest
I know I have been happiest at your side;
But what is done, is done, and all's to be.
And small the good, to linger dolefully-
Gayly it lived, and gallantly it died.
I will not make you songs of hearts denied,
And you, being man, would have no tears of me,
And should I offer you fidelity,
You'd be, I think, a little terrified.
Yet this the need of woman, this her curse:
To range her little gifts, and give, and give,
Because the throb of giving's sweet to bear.
To you, who never begged me vows or verse,
My gift shall be my absence, while I live;
But after that, my dear, I cannot swear.
-dorothy parker.
|
|
|
[14 Jan 2004|10:39am] |
before you left me today
my words just couldnt come to say
how much of you i really do need
more than i could have ever made it seem
i understand it's already too late
to stop the tears from your face
i can't help but look away
it's hard to see you this way
the blame i know is all my own
never again should you feel alone
no longer will i try to be
the love to light your dreams
but give me just one more night
i won't try to change your mind
i just need something to remember you
and how you always held me new
time will change the memories
confront the pain and it will leave
this last night i'll never forget
the loss of you my only regret.
---
...it always feels like there's never enough time to convey the right emotions or show someone how you feel. you can try all you want to capture every single moment and tell them how you feel, but in the end there are too many words left unsaid; scars left shown.
|
|
|
[11 Jan 2004|01:41am] |
"Who would have known
That a boy like him
Would have entered me lightly
Restoring my blisses
He slides inside
Half awake, half asleep
We faint back
Into sleephood
When I wake up
The second time
In his arms
Gorgeousness
He's still inside me"
|
|
|
[29 Dec 2003|09:11pm] |
i will be gone for seven days.
i miss the freckle on your right cheek.
i miss the way you look when you smile and laugh
i miss the way you feel next to me in the middle of the night
it will be a very cold trip to turlock.
one day i'd like to show you that city, the place i've fallen back in love with.
i'm guessing the cow pastures are less than they were in august and the housing developments are up on every corner. it'll be great to drive through the country and run through the trees, but i'll be cold and empty knowing you're not there running beside me.
que sera, sera....
|
|
| merry christmas to all, and to all a goodnight. |
[25 Dec 2003|02:08am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the lemonheads |
] |
i know none of you really know what's going on in my journal..so to appease the masses (ha) i did take some christmas eve pictures.
these were taken just before you called me.
it's odd how our conversations start off really intense and sometimes i'm crying even, but inevitably they always end wonderfully and I leave with this overwhelming feeling of wanting to fall sleep in your arms..no matter how overwhelming our words get.
i wore my birthday sweater today. to remind me of that day.
( into your arms i can go )
|
|
| carry you in my breath |
[24 Dec 2003|02:32am] |
why can't something just be right in my life for once?
how can it be that i've found the most wonderful thing in my life...but there's a catch...
LOST:
a golden ball. sentimental value. for information regarding it's whereabouts, call the person you care most about in your life. REWARD: true love.
|
|
|
[22 Dec 2003|03:01pm] |
If I could shake this shade of blue
it would be yellow
or perhaps even green
If I could take this shade thats true
then maybe you wouldnt be blue
and the smile painted across this canvas
would once again be you.
|
|
| i'll be better than i was before; i, i'm on standby |
[18 Dec 2003|06:44pm] |
i'm sorry about last night. she always has a way of interrupting and ruining things. I just never want to leave when I'm with you.
i'm so glad i got to see return of the king with you. I know how much that movie means to you, and for you to choose to want to see it with me for the first time made me happy. the movie was amazing, you're amazing..what else is there to say? well, there's plenty to say, but i dont think i have the strength (or the capacity to fill it in here).
in other news, i may be putting in my two weeks notice at the gap tonight. we'll see. it all depends on whether or not they give me the time off that i want so i can go up to turlock after christmas. well, i plan on putting in my two weeks soon anyway. if they dont give me the time off, i'll put it in now; if they do give me the time off, i'm putting it in after i get back from turlock (once i can find a new job).
oh, things they are a-changing. i feel it in the air. i feel it in my bones. i feel it when i'm with you.
|
|
| and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued. |
[14 Dec 2003|02:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired, sick. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lover, you shouldve come over on repeat in my head. |
] |
and exactly one month later, i say again...
this is when the obligtary next day post should happen...but it won't.
i am waiting for something to go wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved
|
|
|
[09 Dec 2003|01:37pm] |
if you saw me crying yesterday in the middle of the mall with a book in my hands,
( this )
is why.
CAUTION: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT FINISHED THE BOOK YET...even if you havent finished it youll probably read it anyway..
|
|
|
[04 Dec 2003|12:58am] |
|
"who knows how to make love stay?"
|
|
| surrender |
[03 Dec 2003|01:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
it's warmer now |
] |
there are no songs i could listen to with you that would come even close to conveying this feeling.. although, there are a few jeff buckley ones that come awfully close...
what to say, where to begin. I had the best birthday in my (yes, i know, ONLY) 19 years of existance...
It's hard for me to put into phrases everything we did today..it's sort of a blur. so i'll add some of the highlights (in no particular order):
+the getty
+your card
+traffic with you
+dinner with my parents
+that red martha stewart blanket
+making wishes with coins
+making the same wish as i blew my candle out
+that bench
+you.
thank you for the most wonderful day a girl could ever ask for.
|
|
| never is only half as long as forever. |
[30 Nov 2003|09:22am] |
|
being REALLY fucking sick is not fun, but what's even worse is that i caught it from someone at work. that just makes work all the more pleasant, doesnt it?
|
|
|
[25 Nov 2003|11:30am] |
The great Josh and Alisa book club has commenced. Last night we went and bought a book niether of us had read, but sounded interesting just the same.
So, book number one (in a series of many i hope) is Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins. I'm excited. I've always wanted to read his books. I can remember sitting in a barnes and noble with jessica while she explained how amazing they were.
..and now i'm starting...
|
|
| sometimes it's just butterflies, other times a hurricane. |
[14 Nov 2003|01:16pm] |
this is when the obligatory "next day" post happens. but it wont.
i know you'll read this, and i just want to let you know that i think you're amazing. i dont care how, or in what form, but i think i need you in my life.
|
|
|
[07 Sep 2002|10:38pm] |
|
just because we have sex doesnt mean you think i'm beautiful.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
shesavestheday's journal